Dude Looks Like A Lady
by WOWZAcoolBEANS
Summary: Sora, Roxas and Ven secretly enroll at an all-girl's school. Somehow they all end up with men. Sora/Riku, Axel/Roxas, Ven/Terra. High School!AU.
1. 0: Prologue

**Title: **Dude Looks Like A Lady

**Description:** Sora, Roxas and Ven enroll at an all-girl's school. Somehow they all end up with men. Sora/Riku, Axel/Roxas, Ven/Terra. High School!AU.

**Rating:** T, I guess.

**Chapter Title:** Prologue

**Chapter Description:** The play is badly cast, but will be performed anyway.

**A/N: **This entire fanfiction is written tongue-in-cheek. It is utterly ridiculous and often mocks itself. Enjoy it for what it is.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_, its characters or anything affiliated with it.

…

**0. Prologue**

Once upon a time there were three boys. They were orphaned triplets, adopted at a young age by a scholarly orchestra conductor by the name of Yen Sid as protagonists are apt to be. The fact that they did not know who their parents were did not bother the triplets much, especially since Yen Sid was a relatively decent cheap father, despite his cheapness, and that the author of this fanfic decided that parental angst would be boring to write, and probably boring for her audience to read. So the three boys lived in harmony in southern California, though each had their own unique personality.

The oldest of the triplets was named Sora. He had brown spiky hair and blue eyes—as anyone who is familiar with the _Kingdom Hearts_ franchise should know—with the attitude of an overly optimistic four year-old, thereby making him the brother least prone to angst. He was a bit stupid, but it was the endearing sort of idiotic lovability that made him the most popular boy at school, the apple of every teacher's eye and incredibly sought after by the ladies.

And then there was the middle triplet, Roxas. Roxas always felt like he was forgotten; that he was unloved and devoid of any sort of normal human emotion because of it. He was a bit of a whiney emo bitch, if you couldn't tell from that previous sentence there. He occasionally wore eyeliner and like to screw the rules because he thought he could. He had once smoked a cigarette, but he coughed a lot so he didn't do that again. He wrote whiney emo poetry in a little black diary that he carried around with him everywhere and wore a long leather coat all year round because that meant that he was _different_. He did, however, succumb to heat stroke frequently during the summer because of that _different_ness.

Lastly was Ventus—or Ven, for short—the youngest. Naïve, sweet and kind, Ven didn't seem to have a cruel bone in his body. He also didn't have much personality, but that was okay because he wasn't cruel. Compared to his brothers, he was the mellowest. He didn't speak out against much, and was easygoing and free. His infectious smile kept their family together at times when they would have otherwise felt strained. He often tagged along with Sora because he was shy. Sora oftentimes forgot that Ven was with him and would accidentally step on his feet. But he always apologized, which made it okay.

But everything changed when their father got a call from the principal of Mt. Snolyfolks Academy for Girls.

After hanging up the phone, Yen Sid called his three sons into the living room for a family meeting. During their last family meeting Yen Sid had revealed to them the giant tattoo of a red-haired mermaid that he had on his back and explained to them the cheating ways of women, so all were more than wary when called in. "Boys," Yen Sid said sternly once they had appeared to him. "I hope you know your bra size."

The three boys—who had spent the afternoon bashing each other in the head with q-tip shaped boffers, as boys of a certain age tend to do—stared at their parent or guardian with wide eyes. "But… But why?" Ven asked, looking utterly terrified. A bra? He wasn't even sure what a bra really looked like, let alone how to put one on… Or god forbid take one off! He shuddered. Sora, sensing Ven's discomfort, put a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder. Roxas moved his head so his hair fell in front of his eyes like the sensitive and misunderstood soul he was.

"Because I have just received a job at Mt. Snolyfolks Academy for Girls. And they told me that I could get free tuition for any girls that I might have. Since I am a notoriously cheap bastard and Mt. Snolyfolks Academy for Girls is the 358th best private institution for education in the country, I automatically enrolled the three of you there. As women." Their guardian grinned. "Welcome to the world, Sorley, Roxa and Venla." The boys all stared, aghast. Sora's mouth hung open in a way that would make Mary Poppins ashamed. "Now, now, don't look at me as if I'm some horrible wizard dead-set on destroying your lives," Yen Sid said, trying to withhold the laughter. He didn't do a very good job of it; the boys could all hear the chuckles in his voice as he spoke. "This is for the good of the entire family."

Roxas took an angry step forward. "The entire family?" he asked sharply. "What a joke," he said. He pointed an accusatory finger at Yen Sid. "This will only help your pocketbook, you stingy bastard!"

Yen Sid sighed. "Yes," he said, shaking his head at his son's idiocy. At least they weren't related, so he didn't have to blame himself for the horrendously bad genetics. Still, being the boy's parental figure, he did consider himself at least partially responsible for the way that Roxas turned out. "We've already been through that, Roxas. I am notoriously cheap. Everyone knows that. Now sit down like a good lad and I'll get you all some ice cream."

Not one to ever say no to ice cream, Roxas sat down like a good lad on a nearby couch. That did not stop him, however, from sneering at his father and brothers like an irritated honey badger since they did not understand him or his unique, special snowflake needs.

"You know," Sora mused, ever the optimist. "This may not be such a bad thing!" Ven stared at his brother in admiration for his courage as Roxas glared. "I mean, we're going to be stuck in a school filled entirely with _girls_! How awesome is that!" Sora stretched his hand over to Roxas for a high five, but he was denied. Instead, Roxas gave a hair flip and crossed his arms over his chest. "This is a great opportunity!" Sora left out the other part of that sentence, which was _to get laid_.

"Glad you think so," Yen Sid remarked, his smile growing sinister. "Because school starts in three days. We need to move, get you all an entirely new wardrobe and mentally prepared to be female in that time. So…" He broke out into a full grin. "You will not sleep or rest until after your first day of school!" He began to cackle an evil laugh that would any villain's in the _Kingdom Hearts_ franchise.

The boys stared in terror as Yen Sid whisked them away to go clothes shopping without the aforementioned promise of ice cream and with all the promises of bras.

…

_Continued in Chapter One: Sorley_


	2. 1: Sorley

**Chapter Title**: Sorely

**Chapter Description**: Sora meets a manly woman whose name has two 'k's in it. Not suspicious at all.

**A/N**: So I made the tremendously terrible decision to begin to post this fic a few days before I left for my freshman year of college. It was my plan to update every Friday, but… um… Yeah. That hasn't quite worked out. I'll update when I can. But despite that, I hope that you enjoy when I do update. Also, I don't particularly like this chapter, but we need exposition. So here it is.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_, its characters or anything affiliated with it.

…

**I. Sorley**

Mt. Snolyfolks Academy for Girls was considered by most people to be a large institution. It was, at least, much bigger than the public school the triplets had gone to in California. At 4,000 students, Mt. Snolyfolks was over four times larger than the boys' previous school. And to make things worse, not a single face in the hallways was familiar to them and there was no one for support.

Sora, however, was a social creature. He was a popular boy at school, but in the crowd he had two special friends that he considered to be his best. Sure, one of them sounded like a duck and the other had the brains of a dog, but they had been completely inseparable since the third grade. So being at school without Donald and Goofy and their terrible jokes just didn't seem right. Even though Sora loved talking and getting to know other people, he felt like he was in a funk without his two best mates by his side.

After his first period class, 'Sorley' was glued to 'her' map, trying desperately to navigate the sprawling mass that was Mt. Snolyfolks. Sora shook his head; even the map was impossible! And not one of the serious and studious girls—because, at its core, Mt. Snolyfolks was for girls serious about their education and their Ivy League schools, and not for blow-offs like Sora who were more interested in sports than algorithms—stopped and noticed him. It was the first day of school and they already had their noses in books, even during the passing periods. A pit of dread formed in Sora's stomach.

Sighing, and not sure if he was going in the right direction, Sora descended a flight of stairs. He kept his nose firmly planted in his map, mumbling to himself. "If I go right in that hallway, then…" While his attention was elsewhere, his foot slipped and he began to stumble backwards, falling down the stairs. He closed his eyes and braced himself for impact with some small, defenseless girl… (who maybe he could talk into going out with Sorely's attractive older brother Sora that afternoon as an apology if she were willing…).

But what he felt was muscle. And a lot of it.

There was a low grunt as the girl who had caught Sora picked him up, bridal style. She did so with seemingly no effort at all. Sora could only stare dumbly at her. "You okay?" she asked in a low, rough voice, her silver hair falling into her teal eyes. In her shiny locks a yellow paopu fruit pin was slipping—her hair must have been very, very silky.

Sora gulped.

"Yes, I um… Slipped. Yeah." He tried to smile, but he was sure he just looked like a serial killer. So he just rubbed his head and chuckled uncomfortably. Although, when he rubbed the head, he couldn't help but notice that the wig that Yen Sid had bought for him began to rock back and forth with his hand. Trying not to look insane, he tried to get the wig back in place, but he knew that he'd have to be even later to class to go fix it in the bathroom. The girl's bathroom. His eyes grew wide. "So I…"

"You don't look too good," the girl said, not seeming to have any intention of putting him down as she walked him up the stairs. "Do you want to go to the nurse's office?" Sora shook his head. "You look pale…"

"I, um… Always look pale!" There was something different about this girl that Sora couldn't quite place. "Could you put me down?" he asked, the nervous giggle edging into his voice again.

The girl obliged him. "I'm Rikku," she said in her low voice. It reminded Sora somewhat of a _Chocolat_-era Johnny Depp. "With two k's. Got it? Two k's." Sora nodded and did not stop to think about why this girl would impart upon him the knowledge of how to spell her name correctly. "You were in my first period class, I think. Sorley, was it?" Sora grimaced at his new name—which reminded him of those sores on Yen Sid's back that his guardian had once forced him to rub lotion into—but nodded. "Where are you headed?"

Sora pulled out his map again. It was a bit crumpled from the fall, but not totally ruined, much to his relief. "Um…" he said, trying to find the location. "Here." He pointed to the small dot that represented his classroom.

Rikku smiled slightly—she wasn't the type to go with a full out grin, it seemed; not that Sora was noticing or anything—and grabbed Sora's shoulder. "I'm heading near there, too. I'll take you with me… runt."

Happy to be noticed by someone, (though not happy to be called runt, even if Rikku's rippling muscles stood out from her tank top) Sora trailed at Rikku's heels. "You know, I'm _totally_ taller than most of the girls at this school. Not so much a runt!" Though, he added to himself silently, if there were any other guys here, it's true that I wouldn't be considered to be terribly tall.

Rikku, of course, was taller than him. But Sora conveniently forgot that fact.

Rikku laughed. "Where do you come from?" he asked, quieter now. There weren't many people in the halls now; most of them were already in their classes or just quietly talking to the side. And sure it was nice talking to someone, but at the same time it was… weird.

Shaking the unease aside, Sora responded, "California." He looked down at his feet. It had only been two days since he and his family had moved to Massachusetts—where Mt. Snolyfolks was—but it felt like an eternity. There was no smog in the sky, no shirtless surfers emasculating nerdy boys or bleach blonde girls begging Sora to go to bed with them in rural Massachusetts. There were trees, though. That was something, at least. But trees didn't make up for an entire place that he loved so dearly and a loss of good AT&T coverage.

Rikku looked out into the distance. And by distance, I mean that he looked out at a bunch of ugly green lockers on the other side of the hallway. "I'd love to go somewhere far away like that," he said. Then he stopped—both talking and walking—abruptly and Sora immediately rammed into his back. It felt like iron; Sora was sure that Rikku spent a good chunk of her free time at the weight machines. "Your classroom is here," Rikku said, pointing to a nearby door. "I'll see you later." And without any other fanfare, Rikku began walking back in the direction they had come from.

"Weird guy…" Sora muttered staring after Rikku's back, standing outside of the doorway. It took him almost a full ten seconds before realizing his mistake. "Girl," he corrected himself as a blush crept over his face. "Weird _girl_."

…

_Continued in Chapter Two: Roxa_


	3. 2: Roxa

**Chapter Title**: Roxa

**Chapter Description**: Roxas, put off by friendly people, makes a stir in class and in the pants of a creepy janitor.

**A/N**: This fic gets funnier after the exposition, I promise. Actually, it gets funnier when Terra is introduced. Because Terra is my favorite and I just want to pet him and have him hop around like a bunny… Whut? I need more sleep… Anyhow, if you catch the _Pride and Prejudice_ reference in here, I will love you forever (the 2005 Joe Wright adaption, not the book of the 1995 BBC).

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_, its characters or anything affiliated with it.

…

**II. Roxa**

Everything was wrong. Of course, everything had always been wrong and there was no light at the end of the tunnel like everyone said there was, but everything was even more wrong than it usually was, which was saying something. Something that was _wrong_.

Did Roxas mention that it was wrong? Because he really would like to remind the reader that it was wrong.

'First off,' Roxas scribbled into the little black diary that he kept with him at all times. Roxas never knew when an attack of emotions would overtake him, and rather than communicating said feelings with those around him, Roxas found it much more fulfilling to brood in a Moleskine. 'People keep _looking_ at me. Soon they'll figure out that I'm not female, since I am most obviously a guy.' The thought that if he were figured out, he could go to a different school never crossed Roxas's mind. 'And they asking me what my name is. I don't know what my name is, anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know if I even really exist.'

The girl sitting next to him tapped his shoulder. "What are you writing?" she asked. She was blonde, with a perky voice. He was sure she was in one of his other classes; he could remember her having the gall to smile at him.

"Nothing." He turned back down to the diary and began scribbling again. 'The people here are so _intrusive_. If they knew what I really thought, the miasma of despair that circulates through my mind, none of them would ever look at me again.' He sighed. 'But I can't tell them because I don't know how to explain it. I don't know _anything_. I don't matter at all. If I disappeared, no one would miss me.'

But the girl kept looking at Roxas, making him feel uncomfortable. "What is it?" he asked exasperated. He couldn't quite make eye contact with her, so he stared between her eyebrows. Looking into someone's eyes was a difficult thing for Roxas due to his crippling social anxiety. Besides, they couldn't truly see him, even if he managed to lock eyes. They just looked through him.

_Always_.

The girl shrugged. "It's just that you're always writing in that notebook. It's the second class I've been in with you and you haven't talked to anyone. You just write in the notebook." Roxas would have frowned then, but he was already frowning, so he continued to do so. "Do you really hate it here that much?"

This girl had no ill will towards Roxas. The author would like to state that now. And what Roxas will do in just a moment is cruel, mean and not the sort of behavior an author should condone in her characters. However, for the sake of moving this story along towards the janitor's closet (not metaphorically), this sort of behavior is necessary. So the author apologizes to her readers for this outburst and lack of manners. Please do not replicate Roxas's actions in your lives at home; your family will probably cry and then send you packing. I do not want to be responsible for any broken homes.

"God!" he said, slamming the notebook closed and shoving it into his black messenger bag. "Who are you? Why do you even care? Oh wait! You don't!" In a rage, Roxas stood up and pushed the desk over in a dramatic flourish. Every person in the classroom looked over to the racket, like a group of meerkats who have just sighted a hawk. "I hate it here! And I hate you! And everything else! You all suck and I hope you die!" Even the teacher was at a loss for words as Roxas picked up his things and stormed out of the classroom.

"Naminé," the teacher Mr. (although no one was quite sure it was really Mr.) Marluxia said in an incredulous voice. "What on earth happened between the two of you?"

Naminé shook her head. "I have no idea!"

As Mr. Marluxia called the school security guards and gave them Roxas's description, Roxas prowled the hallways, looking for somewhere to hide out from his life for a while. It wasn't that he liked being like that. In fact, if it were up to him, he'd be completely normal and happy. But he just wasn't satisfied. He didn't know who he really was. It was just that he was unable to be truly complete; he didn't understand what it meant to have a heart. Being the middle child of three triplets, he never knew who he was in regards to his family. And to top it off, he had never had many friends. It was like he was there, breathing, but he didn't truly exist.

Sora was happy; he made his friends laugh and people flocked to his side. Ven was kind; though he was shy, when people really got to know him. No matter what Roxas did, he couldn't live up to the standards his brothers set. He was just forgotten amongst their accomplishments and failures, always standing at the back and being unnoticed.

"Yo." The voice came from behind him; Roxas nearly jumped. Instead, he managed to keep his cool and turn around, only to find himself face-to-face with a tall man in a janitorial uniform with a mane of red hair. "What are you doing, walking around the hallways during class?"

Roxas frowned. "Nothing," he said, clutching his messenger bag in his hands and taking a step back.

The janitor smiled in an almost predatory fashion. Just to find something else besides that to look at, Roxas glanced down at the man's uniform. On it, stitched in red, was the word 'Axel'. It was either some kind of fancy designer janitorial wear, or the janitor's name. Roxas was willing to assume that it was the latter. "You don't happen to be the rogue student who caused a stir in her class, are you? Because if you are, then I'm supposed to take you straight to the principal so she can ream you out and then recommend a good therapist for you." Axel chuckled; Roxas said nothing. He just continued to frown and look at his stylish but uncomfortable female shoes. "But I think a guy like you isn't much of a threat, no matter how many desks you may or may not throw." Like one of Pavlov's dogs hearing a bell, Roxas looked up with wide eyes; Axel still had that creepy, perfect-for-a-pedophile-janitor grin. "Your wig is slipping," he said. "And your voice is too low to be a fifteen year-old girl's."

Self-conscious, Roxas adjusted the blonde wig Yen Sid had given him the day before. "I hate this wig," he said. "It's really uncomfortable."

Axel leaned against a row of lockers. He crossed his long arms over his chest and looked across the hall. He spoke with a fixed nonchalance that edged on irony. "I don't have much experience with wigs," he said, waving a hand casually. "But I'm sure that having to wear one for school has to be pretty crappy." He looked back over at Roxas, petrified in his loafers. "If I were you, I'd find a good place to hide. Security guards are looking all over for you." Roxas bit on his lower lip, trying to think of something that he could do. Yen Sid would give him hell if he were to get in that much trouble on his first day.

Axel's voice broke through Roxas's rushing thoughts. "You can come to my janitor's closet if you want." A sadistic grin found its way onto the janitor's face. "But, of course, you'll have to repay me."

Roxas swallowed hard, but managed to keep his expression neutral. "How?" he asked. He assured himself that no matter what he said, this guy was just some failure at life, cleaning up the trash of a bunch of teenage girls, and who was now blackmailing a fifteen year-old for fun.

"With your body," Axel said, removing himself from the wall and leaning over Roxas, grinning. Roxas could only stare as Axel bent down for a kiss.

…

_Continued in Chapter Three: Venla_


	4. 3: Venla

**Chapter Title**: Venla

**Chapter Description**: Venla gets bullied and makes a friend.

**A/N**: The announcement of _Kingdom Hearts III_ (ohmygodohmygodohmygod) reminded me that I have this fic. Which I still have twelve chapters written of, but never manage to remember to edit. ALSO, I totally know that Kairi's character is _completely and utterly wrong in every possible way_. So this is a reminder that this is supposed to be a funny fic, and in every high school AU, someone has got to be the villain.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Kingdom Hearts_, its characters or anything affiliated with it.

…

**III. Venla**

"I don't like you."

Ven turned around, towards the voice. It came from a red haired girl who he recognized from a few of his earlier classes. He thought her name was Kairi, but he wasn't entirely sure. She on top of the desk behind him and looked at Ven with bored disdain. "You're really annoying, you know?" she continued. An unfamiliar girl with short black hair stood next to Kairi's desk; she nodded at everything the redhead said. With one withering glance from Kairi, the girl gulped silently and took the desk next to Kairi's. On the chair, Ven noticed. Probably not to overshadow her leader. Ven looked around, trying to see to whom the girls were talking to. Kairi was looking at him, but it couldn't possibly be that she was actually directing these comments towards _him_. They had never even spoken to each other before! Ven couldn't think of a single thing he had done that could have made them angry with him. Kairi seemed to notice Ven's confusion, but only chuckled. Ven hoped it was friendly laughter. "Yeah, _Venla_, I'm talking to you." It apparently wasn't.

"Me? What did I do?" Ven felt more shocked than angry. Confusion overtook him. He had barely spoken in any of his classes. There was, of course, the forced introductions that the teachers made him say at the beginning of each class, but he hadn't tried to make friends or anything. In fact, he had actually spent lunch with his dad in the teachers' lounge. He had walked into the cafeteria and wandered around, not seeing a single familiar face. On his way to eat in the bathroom alone, he had stumbled upon his father. Yen Sid took pity on him and let him eat in the lounge with him and a few other teachers. It was embarrassing, but it was better than the alternatives. "Did… Did I do anything to upset you?" he asked, honestly concerned.

Kairi rolled her eyes. She pulled a cell phone from her bag, even though it said on the wall of their botany classroom that cell phones were not allowed at any time, under any circumstances. "I dunno," she said, engrossed in her phone, texting with fierce, practiced speed. "You just piss me off."

"Yeah, you piss us off," the girl next to Kairi mimicked. She pulled her cellphone from her jeans pocket as well, but it seemed as if she had no text messages. Instead of typing, she seemed just to stare at the phone hoping for a ding or vibration, but getting nothing. She just began scrolling on the touch screen forlornly.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "That's what I just said, Xion."

"Yeah, that's what she just… Oh." Xion frowned and put the phone back into her pocket. She gave a small sigh.

"Anyway," Kairi began again. "I don't like your face, so…" she dropped her phone into her bag. Ven noticed that the satchel was pink with a daisy print on it. He grimaced; it was gaudy, terrible and it didn't match her outfit at all. He directed his attention away; he was sure that mentioning that her purse was a hot mess would only make her angrier. Instead, he made eye contact with her. The look in her eyes was not what he had been hoping to see. The twinkle in her eye was both happy and sinister; it was the most awful thing Ven had ever seen. "I think you'll be my victim this year!"

Now, the way that Kairi said this astounded Ven. She was _smiling_. Smiling like Ven himself had smiled when he and his brothers had gone to Disney Land for the first time, full of joy at the prospect of the day to come. But rather than talking about the Dumbo Ride or Space Mountain, she was talking about torture. The way Kairi smiled made torture seem like the most fascinating, happy topic in the entire world.

A condescending, almost sarcastic voice broke the tension. "Hey Kairi, what are you doing?" It came from a tall girl with blue hair who had stopped in the space between Ven and the desk next to him on the side Xion was sitting on. Kairi frowned and Xion seemed shrink in her seat. "Not giving the new girl any trouble, are you?" she said, leaning her head to the side and smiling with her eyes almost shut. "Because I'm sure that Coach Auron wouldn't want to hear about his new fencer bullying the new girl."

Kairi rolled her eyes and sighed with a dramatic, practiced flair. "You're no fun, Aqua. We were just playing around with her."

Aqua threw an arm around Ven's shoulders. He blushed. "Playing is a relative term, I guess," she said, taking a seat on Ven's desk, arm still around him. "But I think next time you should get a nice game of Monopoly going. I think you'd have a real talent as an industrial tyrant."

In a flash, Kairi stood up and began walking away, flipping her hair as she did so. Moments later, Xion did the same thing, copying Kairi's movements well enough, but without the right amount of cultivated venom. Ven sighed a breath of relief. "You okay?" Aqua asked him, moving her hand from his shoulders to his head. She looked down on him with concerned blue eyes.

Ven nodded. "I think so," he said quietly.

Aqua smiled; Ven thought she was really pretty when she smiled. "Good," she said. "You don't seem very loud." Ven looked down. "It's not a bad thing," she continued, moving her hand from his head and jumping from the desk. "But just something that you have to be conscious of. Right?" She sat down in the desk next to him. "Gotta make sure that you stand up for yourself."

"I guess so," Ven said, sort of confused by her kindness. The entire day, no one had made much of an effort to speak to him, so it was weird to have someone be so outgoing. He knew that he should have been the one to try to talk to people, but that was harder for him than he admitted. He wasn't friendly and outgoing like Sora, or charismatic and interesting like Roxas. For years he had gotten by on their popularity; to have to start over was harder than he would have imagined, especially when it seemed like his brothers were in a totally different world at this school.

"I'm Aqua, by the way," Aqua told him. "Although, you probably know that since we've been in a few classes together."

"Ven… la," Ven said, just barely remembering to add the 'la' at the last moment. "Hi."

Aqua smiled. "You're really shy, aren't you?" He shrugged. "Don't worry then," Aqua said. "I'll help you out. From now on, the two of us are going to be best friends!" Ven liked the sound of that idea. He liked it a lot.

…

_Continued in Chapter Four: Riku_


End file.
